Seriously, I'm Studying

Date ~ November 2003

I walk into my supervisor's office yesterday and the first question he asks me, as he does each time I visit, is, 'So, what can you do for me?' Steve asks it half jokingly as he pulls up a chair to the little table I'm seated beside. I have never been able to answer the question, though. I begin with a confession that I have not done as much work as I should have since I our last meeting. We talk about my current thesis topic, analysing the way different actors in the nuclear waste debate are trying to develop solutions, but quickly Steve sees that something else is going on here. I'm having trouble with the topic, and haven't yet been able to define what it really is I'm interested in. When he asks me to expound on a point, I labour through it, my mind furiously creating links as if it were trying to get out of a room by ramming through every door. Nevermind that doors have handles and keys, I know I can get through it by bashing it hard enough. It takes a lot of work, bashing down doors. It takes concentration, and direct application of a great deal of force. If I don't take it seriously, I'll never be able to get it done. But then, who says that just because I can use my mind in such a directed and potent way means I should. It's not fun, doing this. It is draining and time-consuming. I'd rather not do it, and I have procrastination down to an art. But this is only with my work on my dissertation. I am also taking a number of classes right now that all involve a great deal of reading and in-class discussion. I do some of the reading, prepare what I can in the brief hours before lecture, and then enjoy the discussion as it unfolds. Often, I find myself waiting for the professor to make his or her point. Overall, I don't spend too much time on these classes, and yet I feel that I am both understanding the material and taking the concepts further in my head. I enjoy them and get a lot out of them. The last thing that I would say is that I am intensely doing the readings and labouring over the concepts, all pistons firing. There is no running and bashing down of doors here. I'm out for a Sunday stroll. Of course, if you know me, you know that my Sunday strolls usually involve theories of life, the universe, and everything, but it's all done in a relaxed and - dare I say - playful environment. So what's going on here? Shouldn't I be taking my classes much more seriously, seeing as exams are in a few weeks and it is the marks on my exams that will determine my eligibility to continue to the doctorate? Shouldn't I, therefore, be having as much trouble with my classes as I am with my dissertation? Would that do me any good? When I was but a wee lad, my parents ingrained in me the idea that life is short, and if I don't enjoy what I am doing there is little point in doing it. Granted, sometimes I have to put the axe to the grinding wheel and just get some things done - the hours of training in the gym for rowing, washing dishes, and the like - but if I don't enjoy my job, I see little point in continuing it. Especially when I'm paying for it rather than it paying me. The problem is, I am not enjoying my dissertation work right now. The question is, 'Why?' And as near as I can tell, a large portion of the answer is that I am taking it far too seriously. Journey with me into my mind for a bit . . . At the end of last year, I was working with Steve on a particular theory of decision-making. Here are some thoughts that continuously went through my mind: 'Gosh, this is a great theory. No one has worked on this before, but I see incredible implications for it.' 'Since this theory is so important, I really need to get it right. I need to work it out in all its facets and get it down on paper in an understandable and comprehensive fashion.' 'I have to get this right.' In a meeting at the end of the year, Steve pulled this out of me and pointed out the perfectionist tendencies it entailed. 'Sam, you have to realise that there is no 'right' to get it,' he was fond of saying. Eventually, he won me around and I now see that I don't need to go out there and find/develop the 'one theory to bind them all.' When I returned in the Autumn, I was not looking for a dissertation topic that would blow the world away; just one I could use to demonstrate my research skills. Little did I know that I was once again falling into the same trap. 'It doesn't really matter what I study as long as I'm able to demonstrate that I know the right way to do research.' [Incomplete...]